This evening found me once again outside sitting by the fire once the girls were in bed.  The sky was absolutely clear, and being so far away from civilization, the stars were in an amazing display that only God could conjure up!  They were brilliant, magnificent, stunning; you get the point.  As is normally the case on nights like this, my thoughts turned towards catching a shooting star.  I’ve developed my own theories regarding how to do this over the years.
Basically, I’ve found it much easier to see a shooting star if I simply gaze up at the sky in general.  I used to dart back and forth hoping to catch something, and was never able to allow my eyes to focus.  So, eventually I tried almost moving my “zoom” out quite a bit, and just tried to take in the beauty of the entire sky.  Once I did that, I began to notice shooting stars all the time!

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the same way when we try to figure out life’s most challenging issues in our lives.  We can put so much intense pressure on ourselves to figure out stuff, and it never happens because our gaze is to narrow.  However, it seems many times that once we step back, and widen our gaze, that God hits us with a “shooting star”. 

I’m not saying this is some scientifically proven method, just how things seem to have worked in my life.  At first, I didn’t see anything tonight.  Then, I took out the 4-wheeler and drove into some fields, turned the lights off, and just gazed up at the sky.  And you know what?  Not only did I catch my shooting star, but I found some answers to life’s questions as well.

So I’m sitting here, having just put my two daughters to bed.  I’m going over the day in my head, and have come to the realization that it has not been one of my better ones. 

We

All

Have

Bad

Days.

We do.  It’s a part of life.  No parent/spouse is perfect.  Some try harder than others.  There are few things I desire more in life than to be an amazing, top-notch husband and father.  I take great pride in the care I give to my wife and daughters.  And yet, my heart is heavy tonight because I know I did not bring my A-game today.

Yes, we all have bad days.  Today was one of those days that even when I apologized to my almost 5 year old and 2 ½ year old, it hardly seemed enough.  I was short with them.  I yelled at them.  I lost my temper.  I made them cry.  I was short with my wife.  I was unfair to her. 

I

Took

Stress

Out

On

A

Lot

Of

People

Today.

It sucks when I do that.  I know I’ve done damage to my children that I may not be able to repair.  The thought that I’m a perfect parent is hilarious; I know my shortcomings.  However, I hate to treat those I love less than they deserve.  And my family is AMAZING!  They deserve so much better than I gave them today. 

And I find myself, in the midst of thinking through this, drawn back to John 4:23-24 out of The Message.  After posting this a day or two ago I came across it in two different books, bringing me to the conclusion that maybe God is trying to show me something.  (Ya think?!) 

These verses tell us that the Father is looking for “those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship”.  That word “honestly” keeps catching my attention.  Tonight, I find myself drawn to God, despite the day I’ve had.  I want to crawl up in his lap, cry my heart out and tell Him how awful I’ve been.  I want to simply have Him hold me, while He lets me air out my dirty laundry.  Then, when I’m done, I want Him to tell me He forgives me and that He loves me so much.  I don’t want to feel that it’s ok.  I want to feel that He loves me in spite of what I’ve done.  And I want to worship and sit at His feet for awhile. 

So, I think that’s what I’m gonna do right now.  I’m gonna go outside, sit by a fire at a place called Legwood, and marvel at God, in His presence.  I’m gonna let Him heal me of all my sins.  I’m gonna worship Him because I’m not perfect, and I’m in need of a perfect Savior.  I’m gonna simply and honestly be myself before Him.  Because after the day I’ve had, that’s all I have left to offer.  Thank God He will accept me.

“It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God.  Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth.  That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship.  God is sheer being itself-Spirit.  Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.”

And

War.

‘Nuff said.  What marriage has not known these two over the years.  Now, there are plenty of marriage books on the market to chose from, so how does one go about knowing which to read?  I for one, learned long ago that the Eldredge’s words speak to my heart in a way that no other human author does.  So, when I’m looking for honest, insightful thoughts on a topic, I turn to their works.  And this book does not disappoint.  One thing I appreciate so much about the Eldredge’s is their openness and honesty!  Challenging?  Yes.  Brutal?  Sometimes.  Necessary?  ABSOLUTELY!  This book opens eyes to some amazing, hidden gems in the institution God created, otherwise known as marriage.  The marriage goes far beyond a ceremony and vows; there are deep, strong spiritual implications in EVERY marriage.  And that’s why it is so ardently opposed by Satan.  Their words will not only leave you encouraged in your marriage, but craving a more intimate alliance with the one you’ve committed your life to.  A MUST READ for any couple!

A

LITTLE

STRESSFUL.

The song “Three Little Birds” came on at one point, with some of the lyrics being “Don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright.”  God’s really been working on me to view this time not as a CRISIS, but as an ADVENTURE!  Quite honestly, the timing of those lyrics was so amazing, so right on that it made me wonder,

“Is God speaking to me through a Bob Marley song?”

That debate we will save for another post, but I can tell you as I listened to those lyrics over and over, I felt God using that moment to assure me of His goodness.  I’ve encountered many verses in the Bible over the years concerning worry, and how we are not supposed to participate in it.  I still do not know what God is going to do, or what we may encounter.  All I know, is that last night while listening to a little Bob Marley, I began to feel God speaking and ministering to me.

There’s something about sitting around a campfire that just calms me, relaxes me, and allows me to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit.  I think maybe it helps me to shut out the normal things that weigh on my mind, heart, and time.  It’s a chance to just sit and enjoy God’s creation (a little music never hurt). 

After my little God moment while enjoying some Bob, some distinctive thoughts came to me regarding Adventure vs. Crisis.  Many times, the circumstances between these two are/can be the same.  In my own experience, I’ve found the main difference to be the attitude with which I faced them.  I’ve done enough adventurous things now to know that while inevitably there are always difficult patches, scary moments, danger, etc., my attitude going into it is one of excitement and anticipation for the good things that will happen.  When I view situations as a crisis, my attitude is ALWAYS one of fear and worry.  In other words, adventure usually creates positive expectations and crisis usually invokes negative expectations. 

Running Comrades in South Africa was an amazing adventure!  Why?  Simply because of my attitude towards it.  Plenty could have gone wrong, and there’s always plenty to be scared of when running a 56 mile race halfway around the world.  I encountered more hard times that I had expected, but in the end I endured because of a positive attitude along the way.  I think the same is true in life.  Granted, many times life’s ramifications are more serious than those of a race, but nonetheless I think this principle holds true.  God does not want us to worry.  Why?  Because nothing positive happens when we worry.  Usually all that happens is we get stressed, get short with people, and begin to doubt the goodness and faithfulness of God.

I’m tired of worrying.  I’m tired of being stressed.  I’m tired of doubting God.  My new goal?  To develop a more prevalent outlook  of every situation in life as an adventure to be lived with God.  I want to trust God wholeheartedly.  I want to have an excited expectation of things to come!  I want to live in adventure!

Pg. 50-”Would God still love me if I couldn’t do anything for him?  What if I were useless and couldn’t do even the basic things I had learned a good Christian does?  What if I couldn’t impact others in any significant way, lead someone to Christ, serve a person in need, teach others Scripture, be a leader?  What if I couldn’t even go to church or have a quiet time?  What if I couldn’t progress any further in my spiritual life?  What if I were barely even capable of having an intelligent thought about God?  What if…..”

Pg. 51-”I’m so tired of trying to get God to like me……I worked hard to stay on my game (daily quiet times, attending church, leading groups, and teaching classes) as I envisioned God in heaven perpetually asking, ‘What have you done for me lately?”

Pg. 52-”There’s nothing she can really do FOR him, but she doesn’t need to do anything; her father simply loves her.”

Pg. 52-”What if there isn’t anything I can do “for” God?  What if he just wants me to lean against his face and receive his love?………Maybe this is why I’m so tired inside.”

That last line, “Maybe this is why I’m so tired inside” really grabbed my heart out of my chest and shook it violently.  How much of my life, my actions, my service been directed towards proving to myself that I belong to God?  What if I’m trying to prove to myself that I love God?  What if God simply wants us to sit back and receive His love? 

Quite honestly, I feel right now that I need to lay down the whole I’ll show you my faith by my actions thing, and simply let God love on me.  How does one go about doing that?  I have absolutely no idea.  But one thing I do know,

THAT

SOUNDS

SO 

REFRESHING

RIGHT

NOW.

I actually came across this quote in Pete Greig’s book God On Mute a few weeks ago, and have been chewing on it ever since.  I didn’t catch it the first few times I reat the book, so maybe my own personal dealings as of late had something to do with me noticing it.  As a matter of fact, I never noticed it when reading Mr. Manning’s book either.  Hm.  God’s timing is perfect…………………

Anywho, recently my wife and I felt directed by God to move on from our current ministry.  It was a process that took many years to bring us to that point, but we finally BOTH felt God saying now is the time, MOVE!  To where, we still haven’t seen.  We are trying desperately to walk with God “in….the present moment”.  I’m not really sure people grasp how difficult this is until they are actually in it. 

I’ve always thought I lived life like I had faith in God.  Well let me tell you, stepping away from ministry when you have nothing lined up to step into…………..that’s a whole new level of faith in God!  I’ve got a little over 2 weeks left, and still no definite leads for jobs.  Some might call this reckless.  Others might brand us as naive, silly, stupid even for pulling such a stunt.  All I know is that I’m trusting and leaning into God like never before.  My life literally depends on it! 

Sometimes I think Faith is branded as this nice, cupcake like dessert that we get to experience as Christians, when, in fact it can be quite different.  Faith is messy.  It’s difficult.  It doesn’t always go down so nicely.  But in the end, it’s always, ALWAYS worth trying.  We are always better off going the route of faith.  Just don’t think it’s going to be this nice flat path with plush green moss underfoot.  No, the road of faith can be quite treacherous, scary, and even seem risky.  But the experience of faith is so rewarding.  And that’s where I currently find myself.

I been rereading the book God On Mute by Pete Greig this past week, and have gotten some really good thoughts from it.  He says, “Perhaps we should accept what older people and poorer people and many of those with disabilities already know: Things are probably going to be very difficult today and just as hard tomorrow, too.”  He goes on a few pages later to share, “I’m not suggesting that we should pray for hard times but rather that when such times come, we should feel a little less outrage and a lot more hope because Jesus, who went through similar struggles, predicted that we would have them and promised to be with us in the midst of them.”

I must admit, I’ve been doing a lot of ragging lately.  I rage and rage and rage, all the while knowing the truthfulness behind the verse above.  Life is tough.  When were we ever promised that it would be easy?  Why then do we act surprised, even betrayed when something difficult occurs?  Why do we act put off, angry even at God?  I know His infinite goodness, something far beyond my comprehension.  I know He loves me, and yet so often that is hard for me to fully trust.  That’s not His fault, but mine.  God has done nothing to make me doubt His goodness and love for me.  I project the fallenness of mankind onto God, in much the same way that I’m guessing we all do. 

How silly a thing to do; treat God as if He were even close to the humans we encounter.  I rage and rant and piss and moan, but only when I take a moment to quiet down, and soften my heart, do I have the opportunity to hear God whispering.  This is not always the case; I do not always hear God.  But I’ve yet to experience Him shouting over my voice to get my attention.  (I take that back, I did once, recently while running Comrades Marathon.  My emotions were getting the best of me and I started freaking, and felt God get my attention much like I would with one of my own kids.  The purpose being to get me to stop focusing on the here and now, and focus on Him for a moment) 

The past few days, I’ve taken time here and there to quietly ask God some questions, and wait patiently for a response.  And He’s answered.  Not always a direct response to the questions I asked, but He’s always said something appropriate to me.  And you know what, I’m beginnin to trust Him more.  I think we’d all be much better off if we took a moment to quietly speak and listen with God.  Slow down.  See what He has to say.  It just might sweep you off your feet into an adventure you never saw coming!

It’s also amazing what you hear when you take the time to really open your ears and listen.

I’m not really sure what I expected when I traveled to South Africa.  There was plenty I had read about regarding life outside of America.  Imaginations can run wild when one hears statistics like “half the world lives on less than $2 a day”.  It’s difficult to grasp life like that without experiencing it firsthand.  Shoot, it’s still hard for me to grasp it even after visiting people in less than ideal conditions for a few days.  When I left for South Africa I knew what to expect; at least that’s what my thinking was.  To some extent, seeing huts, dirt floors, and poor living conditions were things that I saw spent time in.  But honestly, I got lost in something I never expected.

Despite seeing all the poverty around me, I got lost in the attitude we encountered in the people of South Africa.  What I saw was hope.  What I saw were many smiles.  What I saw was a future!  I walked away amazed at the combination of World Vision South Africa staff and their relentless persuit of being “Inspired to see NO CHILD WITHOUT” along with the spirit and attitude of South Africans. 

This attitude has given me hope for my own life.  Since I’ve been back home a concerted effort has been made to spend more time “listening” to God, and to see things as they are.  Too often I can have the tendency to view the negative, noticing what’s missing in a situation or circumstance, leading to a pessimistic view of life.  South Africans inspired me to look for the positive, to take a moment and truly see, truly hear.  The fast-paced life that I live all too often leads to my demise.  More often than not I miss out on the here and now because I’m either looking back or looking ahead.  I want to begin to live in the moment, and drink in what life is offering right now.  Good or bad.  (Most of my “bad” is pretty mild in comparision to the majority of the world)  I want to live life to the fullest, for that is why Jesus came.  I want to make a difference in those around me, because Jesus has made a difference in me. 

I was sincerley amazed at the hospitality we were shown while in South Africa.  The World Vision staff and people treated us like royalty.  We were shown so much appreciation for running Comrades and helping to inspire people to sponsor children, and I felt guilty because of it.  The World Vision South Africa staff and South Africans are the real heroes.  We simply talked to some of you, and trained to run a race.  However, they are in the trenches each and every day with people in dire need of help.  That’s a calling I could not complete, ashamedly so.  The word “heroes” almost doesn’t even do them justice.  Truly, they are the hands and feet of Jesus.

PLEASE NOTE……….THIS WAS NOT MY MAIN REASON FOR THIS TRIP!

With that in mind, let’s move on.  Admittedly, Comrades was a major focus physically speaking of this trip, and required much hard work and discipline just to train for it.  What made it even more difficult was not being fully aware of the difficulty of this event.  I fully believe that many people can train their bodies to run/walk 56 miles at one time.  I’m still overweight technically speaking; even moreso for a runner.  However, I’ve trained my body to overcome some of that.  For most it’s simply an issue of if they want to or not.  My training went well for the most part.  The only time I had any real injuries or pain was in the final month and a half or so before the race, which is the point you are supposed to start tapering (slowing down) anyways. 

One tremendously helpful advantage was receiving a copy of a documentary that has yet to be released on Comrades.  This documentary follows the story of 6 different runners, their training, and how race day went for them that year.  Watching this gave me a healthy perspective of the daunting task of participating in this event.  Needless to say, I did not allow my wife or mother to watch!  However, nothing fully prepares you for how difficult this was except toeing that starting line and taking off!

With almost 10,000 feet of elevation gain and almost 12,000 feet of elevation loss cumulative, the term hilly course took on a entirely new meaning for me.  Living in the cornfields of Central Illinois was a pretty large handicap when it came to hill work in my training.  The course offered a constant barrage of ups and downs, with very little if any flat terrain until the stadium and finish line.  When I say this was by far THE most difficult thing physically, mentally, and emotionally I’ve ever attempted, I’m hardly doing the statement justice.  Words simply cannot describe the challenge of this for me. 

I was able to run the first 10k (6 miles) or so with a fellow Team World Vision teammate, Paul Martin.  This man is amazing!  He lost one of his legs below the knee years ago, and since then has propelled himself into an amazing athlete.  Hands down, Paul is one of the most inspirational men I know.  Check out his website at www.paulmartinspeaks.com.  He’s even got a second book coming out soon, which I’ve ordered and can’t wait to read.  I finally allowed him to pull away from me, leaving around 50 miles to tackle on my own.  Honestly, I don’t remember much from the race from that point on, only small snapshots that are permanently etched in my brain. 

A pivotal point in the race came for me at the 32 mile mark.  This was the furthest I had ever run in training, or my life for that matter up to that point.  Everything from there on it was unchartered water for me.  So, with 24 miles to go, I was done.  Seriously, I thought there was no way I could continue.  What truly makes this event tough and unique, is the 12 hour time limit you are alloted to finish.  That leaves little wiggle room considering 80% of the runners finish in the last 2 hours of the 12 hours given.  My emotions began to get the best of me and that’s when God got ahold of me.  He settled me down, and after some calculating I figured I would make the finish line just in time if I could average 4 miles per hour for the rest of the way.  I also felt God telling me that if I hung in there and gave it my all, He would get me across that finish line.  The main goal at that point was not to give up mentally.  Let me tell you, THE most difficult part of this for me was keeping a positive attitude for the remaining 24 miles!  That’s almost an entire marathon of fighting off negative thoughts and emotions, after running a 50k. 

That’s hard to imagine or comprehend, especially if you’re not a runner.  Most runners will tell you that running is as much a mental and emotional sport as it is physical.  You’ve simply got to keep your emotions in check constantly in order to reach different goals one has in running.  So, I put my head down, and surged ahead, forcing myself to run when I could and walk the rest of the time.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I walked the last 10 miles simply because I could walk faster than I could run at that point.  The hills were never ending, which took an incredible toll on muscles in my legs that I don’t normally use.  One final shock was coming across a lady passed out on the road, just outside the stadium and finish line.  With less than a half mile to go, this lady’s body had enough, and she was sprawled out with an oxygen mask on.  At that point I began praying for you, while praising God for His protection on my own body.  I never once cramped up or even got a blister…….my muscles simply got to the point where I could do nothing but waddle towards that finish line.

As I entered the stadium my eyes began to scan the thousands of people for a small tangent of 17 fellow runners, all clad in our orange TWV jerseys.  I finally found them, or should I say they found me, near the finish line.  I was brought in to the chanting of my name by fellow teammates, Comrades, brothers and sisters.  I was the last one on our team to finish, but finish I did in 11:45:14, ensuring success for our entire team of first-timers.  With a team filled with runners of varying abilities and levels, our first goal was realized, to see everyone finish the Comrades Marathon.  The Ultimate Human Race.  Wow.

And yet, as I’ve shared, this was not what drew me to South Africa.  This was.

Her name is Nomonde, and her face was etched into my mind the entire race.  She is the second girl that my family sponsors through World Vision.  I actually got to meet her and spend some time with her in the days that followed the race.  You will get to read about that time in the coming days and weeks.  This little girl, was what brought me to South Africa.  Being an orphan (her father is dead), she’s known much heartache in life.  It’s hard to imagine what life is like for her on a daily basis, even after visiting her home and grandmother.  But I do know, that by sponsoring her through World Vision, life is better than it was for her.  Her smile is as beautiful as my own daughters’. 

$35/month from us has tangibly begun to make a difference in her life.  Meeting her, spending amazing time with her, and sponsoring her has already made a difference in our life. 

That’s why I ran Comrades.  That’s why I traveled to South Africa.  And that’s why I’m asking you to sponsor a child TODAY!  World Vision is doing some amazing things IN PARTNERSHIP with the people of South Africa.  Our goal was to find 1,500 new children sponsors, and we are a little over half-way there.  Now that we’ve run our race, visited some of the children, areas, and World Vision staff, the time has come to finish strong.  All that’s lacking is the funding.  As Americans, we’ve been blessed beyond measure with money and resources.  Please, please visit www.theultimatecause.org today and sponsor a child on my behalf.  And look for more posts in the next week or so regarding the rest of my trip!